Posted On Feb 28, 2022.

Remember the game "telephone"? The one where you sit in a circle and one person starts by whispering a word into the ear of the person next to them and then they are to whisper the word they heard to the next person and so on until it made it round the circle. Then the last person said the word they heard and it was NEVER the word that the person started out by saying. NEVER!  

I didn't like that game. It gives a great demonstration about communication; but, ultimately it was frustrating because there wasn't a way to "win". That and having someone whisper in my ear was not pleasant.  

We are by nature a species that lives in community. We all want to feel we belong somewhere, that we matter to someone, and that we are accepted for who we are and how we show up. Humans do not do well in isolation. And what is it that allows us to connect with others? Communication.

Communication has many forms: spoken, signed, body language, eye contact, facial expression, sounds, how we stand or sit, the words we use and the rate, tone, and inflection of our voice. All of these types of communication are essential to living in community. Communication requires transaction between individuals that require identifying a message, communicating that message, the message being heard and understood by the person receiving the message (listening for understanding), the sender and receiver ensuring that the message sent is the message received, the receiver formulating a response and then reversing the process to send their message. It seems "easy" because we engage in communication every day. But when we break it down, it is easy to see how issues can begin - and grow into what many couples describe as "communication problems".

There are many things that factor into communication - our experiences, our beliefs, past communication, trauma, mood, physical experiences like pain or fatigue, topic, setting, knowledge, and finally belief about ourself and the person with whom we are communicating. With all those steps and all these factors - it's amazing that anything gets communicated at all with all the possibilities and areas for misunderstanding and communication breakdown. Think about how communication changes when the setting is too loud or the topic is very emotional or if communication has been difficult with a person in the past. All of this makes communication in an intimate relationship difficult.  

Then to top it off, there is no system of education about interpersonal communication. We learned what we learned, effective or ineffective, in those first formative years. Every communication has taught us something about another person, ourselves, and the world. Maybe not in that profound way every time - but low key, we learned something.

Then to top it off, there is no system of education about interpersonal communication. We learned what we learned, effective or ineffective, in those first formative years. Every communication has taught us something about another person, ourselves, and the world. Maybe not in that profound way every time - but low key, we learned something every time. This is why text messages and email and chat can cause so many disagreements/fights/arguments. We have to rely on 7% of communication to effectively convey 100% of the message.  

Have you ever gotten a text and read it and been immediately upset/reacted and later on found out that how you read it was completely different than how the person meant it when they sent it? Have you ever heard words and had to look at the persons face or body to give you clues as to whether it was positive or negative communication? Has someone ever said something to you and had no clue that saying a certain word or phrase would trigger you into a memory and then they are shocked when you respond from having that experience?

All of those are perfect examples of how one person can think they are communicating one thing and the other person can think the communication means something totally different or triggers something that the first person had no clue existed.  

Criticism - Defensiveness

One of the most common communication issues is the criticism - defensiveness cycle. This happens when one person tries to have a conversation in which they tell their partner things that can be perceived as attacking and then that partner is immediately on the defense.

Partner 1: Can you turn down the TV? You always have it blaring so loud I can't even think. No matter how many times I ask you to keep it at a normal level, you have to have it this loud. I know you do it just to piss me off. (criticism)

Partner 2: I don't always have it blaring. See it's only on volume 12. (defense). I don't do anything to piss you off - you just like to nag me. Everything I do, it's a problem for you and you have to complain (counter criticism)

Can you imagine how Partner 1 might respond? Another defense and counter criticism? Just shut down and end the communication and then continue to be angry later and not talk to Partner 2?

I call this "finger pointing" communication. If if would feel right to wag a finger when saying something, that is finger pointing communication. Now, I don't know about you, but when someone comes at me with a finger pointed and they are telling me things that aren't true about me or are attacking my character, I definitely do not like it and there are times it can be difficult to maintain perspective and have some rationality. It's easy to get triggered when there are character attacks. And rarely, if ever, do things get sorted out and solved when criticism and finger pointing are part of communication. It is probably most likely there will be either a defense, a defense with counter criticism, or stonewalling/checking out/not responding or engaging at all.

Ok, so this happens in like every relationship. What is your point?

Point is this: with practice, this cycle can be changed. Imagine this exchange instead of the one above.  

Partner 1: Hey, when the TV is that loud, I start getting overwhelmed and have difficulty even keeping my thoughts straight. That makes me antsy and anxious. I need for the volume to be a little less so I can finish what I'm doing and then I can go into the other room.  

Partner 2: I didn't realize you were here where it would bother you. I can turn the TV down for you. Is that a better volume for you? (and for bonus points) Is there something that I can help you with or is it better if you work by yourself?

The same point is made. Can you imagine how partner 1 might respond now? What is the likelihood that this interaction is going to escalate? What is the likelihood that Partner 1 might say, "I could use some help" or even "I think I'm good right now. But if I need help I'll let you know. Thank you for turning down the TV".

COMMUNICATION MATTERS

What we say, how we say it, when we say it, where we say it, to whom do we say it, and why we say it ALL MATTERS.  

Original Article : Communication in Relationship REALLY Matters: Intro