Posted On March 6, 2023.

Do couple’s counselors tell you to break up?

Believe it or not, this is question that is asked quite often and is important to address. When couples in crisis begin to look at counseling, they don’t know what happens in couples counseling because they have never experienced it before. Often, they want to know: What happens in the session? Is the therapists’ job to solve all our problems? Will the therapist focus on who is right and who is wrong? Will they just tell us to break up or get a divorce? There are so many questions couples have and many things they know they don’t want to experience in therapy. Partners don’t want to hear about fault, and they don’t want someone to tell them to end a relationship where they have time, emotion, and experience invested when they are seeking therapy to try to prevent the relationship from ending.

So, let’s get into the question and some things surrounding the question. Do couple’s counselors tell couples to break up or end a relationship? Simple answer – no, it is not a decision that a counselor makes nor is it a decision that a counselor influences! While this very simple answer exists, it is not without need for deeper exploration and understanding of some of the nuances around it.

Like every simple answer, there are aspects surrounding the simple answer that require more information and views from multiple angles. Now, I can only speak to my training, a therapist’s ethical responsibility, and how I approach therapy. I’ve seen couples through infidelity, addiction, trauma, resentment, many disagreements, and many difficult and not so difficult decisions, among other things. And my goal is to journey with the couple in identifying their goals for therapy and movement towards increased trust and commitment, improve friendship, effectively manage conflict, and rebuild partnership in situations where there are no contraindications.

Ethically it can be more than a slippery slope! It is not the place of an ethical therapist to make the decision to end a relationship. When a therapist begins making decisions for a client or a couple, that is removing the client’s autonomy. It is also abusing their role in the therapeutic relationship which creates space for other abuses of power to happen. Ethically is IS imperative that a therapist assess safety, express concerns for safety, make appropriate referrals, educate clients, remain within their scope of practice, and in the end respect the autonomy of each client or relationship. It is NEVER appropriate for a therapist to push or manipulate a client into doing what the therapist wants or believes is best.

It is important to identify that telling someone what to do and discussing situations/conditions where therapy is not appropriate or is dangerous are completely different things. There are only a few scenarios in which couples counseling is not appropriate, not recommended, or creates danger for any one person.

The first situation in which couples counseling is contraindicated is when there is ongoing characterological abuse happening. This means a systematic pattern of power and control, gaslighting, physical and/or sexual abuse, coercion, demeaning, demoralizing, and degrading behavior that can include financial abuse, isolation from friends and family, humiliation, shame, or threats to harm or take children. When this is happening, it is dangerous for an abused partner to participate in therapy with someone who has the potential to twist words or use things against the partner already experiencing abuse.

In this instance, a therapist might work with the partner being abused to have a safety plan, get them connected with local support resources, and validate their experience until they are ready to make the next decision in their life. They may also work with the abusive partner to get them the resources they need, if they are willing, to begin to intervene in their pattern of abuse. Then, when enough work has been done and enough time has shown that couples counseling can proceed safely and both partners are willing to engage in couples counseling, a therapist might proceed with close and careful monitoring.

The second situation in which couples counseling is contraindicated is when one or both people are zero percent committed to doing the work and only coming to counseling to satisfy the request of the partner who is still wanting, at a level greater than zero, to commit to the work. This means that likely that one partner is making plans to leave the relationship, taken steps to leave the relationship, and/or is unwilling to do any work toward the repair of the relationship.

In this instance, one of many things might be in play, such as:

• The partner who is 100% sure they are leaving wants a safe place/situation to make that known to the partner ensuring that the partner has support.
• The partner who is 100% sure they are leaving is concerned about the emotional place their partner is in and wants to allow them time to not be in such crisis before they share that they are leaving.
• Both have discussed that one or both partners is 0% committed to healing the relationship but have children and know that they want to give the children the best they can in co-parenting and are seeking therapeutic guidance on how they can have a good co-parenting relationship.

These situations must be acknowledged and treated with respect. There are effective ways for a therapist to work with a couple who might come to them under the above situations.

The third situation in which couples counseling is contraindicated is when one partner is experiencing a serious mental illness crisis that is untreated. When a person is experiencing untreated, severe mental illness they are often consumed with the experience of the symptoms and are often in survival mode. This is NOT the time to begin couples counseling. This IS the time to support a couple in seeking appropriate intervention to help that partner move from significant symptoms into a place where their life is not consumed by the symptoms.

When symptoms are so significant, the therapeutic process, education, insight, and ability to think through and apply anything from couples counseling can be impaired. It would be like telling someone having an asthma attack to run a marathon. So, in this instance, getting a person experiencing the symptoms to a place where they can receive supportive care, medication, training about their mental illness, and individual counseling is appropriate. Then, when they are more stable in their symptoms, couples counseling would be more appropriate.

The last situation in which couples counseling is contraindicated is when one or both partners are engaged in infidelity and are not willing to stop the betrayal relationship. It is futile to work to repair something where someone is actively adding to the betrayal and destruction of trust. When the outside relationship has ended and the partners are actively wanting to participate in the difficult, but not impossible, road to rebuild their relationship, then couples counseling would be appropriate.

It is important that the couple understand that a therapist saying that couples counseling is contraindicated is not synonymous with “you should end the relationship”. It means that doing therapy in that situation is not only not helpful, but it is potentially dangerous to a partner.

In any of these situations, the decision about the relationship is made by the partners (or partner) themselves. It may include the therapist saying that therapy is contraindicated in the situation and recommendations and referrals to change the situation into one where couples counseling is appropriate. It may also include discussion about safety and concern for health and safety of one or both partners and any children that might be in the home. Then it is up to the couple or the partner needing more support to make the decision about what is next in the relationship. No matter what might be in play in the situation, a couples counselor’s responsibility is to ethically to meet the couple where they are and make the journey with them from a place of autonomy, empathy, validation, and unconditional positive regard.

If you or someone you know is experiencing violence from an intimate partner, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233.

If you or someone you care about needs mental health intervention, please reach out to your local mental health crisis line, local mental health authority, dial 988 for contact with the National Suicide Prevention Helpline, go to your local emergency room, or request a mental health officer from your local law enforcement agency.

This is for informational purposes only and should not be used as a replacement for medical, clinical, professional advice, diagnosis, professional mental health advise, or treatment. Accessing this does not create a therapist-client relationship between you and Eudaimonia Counseling & Wellness. The information contained herein is provided “as is” with no guarantees to thoroughness or timeliness.