Posted On Jun 25, 2022.

Picture it: a conversation about something important. One person shares their perspective/feeling/opinion about a sensitive subject or a difficult topic. The second person begins to problem-solve the situation or unknowingly minimizes the situation. The first person begins to get irritated and attempts to state their perspective again feeling that the other person isn't understanding the importance or meaning of the conversation. The second person repeats their attempt to problem solve the situation or offer options or possibly even tells the other person why they may be misinterpreting the situation. This is a set up for the end of the conversation where both people have their side missed by the other and creates a disconnect in the relationship - and this (or something to this effect happens):

*sigh* "You're not listening to me!!" (getting upset)

(louder) "I HEARD you." (repeats the words they said - possibly word for word, possibly a summarization of what this person THINKS is important to the other person)

"You just don't understand" (increasingly frustrated)

(irritated) "What do you mean I don't understand? I just repeated what you said. What don't I understand?"  

"Nevermind. I don't know why I tell you these things. You don't care and you don't get it." (walks away feeling the other person doesn't care)

(under their breath) "Whatever. I did hear you." (walks away feeling frustrated and not understanding why the conversation went this way."

Sound familiar? Maybe you have had this exchange with someone. But do we know the difference between listening and hearing?

Hearing has to do with your ears. Do you hear the birds? Did you hear that song? 

Listening has to do with the heart. It is about REALLY understanding what is happening for the other person. When we listen, we don't offer up a solution or interrupt or diminish or judge the other person. Listening means we are trying to know the situation as the person sharing has experienced it as best we can without being them. It involves asking questions to deepen the understanding - becoming curious as to what they have experienced in the past as a similar situation. Learning why someone thinks and feels the way they do, where they learned that, if they have experienced a similar situation in the past, and reasons for the importance of their view/opinion/feeling is part of listening. We don't just listen with our ears (that is part of it) but when we are truly LISTENING, we are engaged in understanding another persons heart, emotion, experience, and history.

Hearing someone's words means we are preparing for our response - to defend ourselves or to counter-argue or to problem-solve the situation. Hearing leaves us no opportunity to understand, be curious, want to know more, or even understand the person/perspective/situation any better.

So, how do we move from hearing to listening? And how do we help another WANT to listen?  

First: We are intentional about our conversations and we approach the conversation in a way that removes criticism. Beginning a conversation with "I feel....." vs "You never..." or "You always...." changes the way that the other person responds. I call it "finger pointing language" - if it feels like a finger could be wagged toward the listener, that conversation is critical.

Second: We state what we are feeling that way about - without using the word YOU. "I feel scared when we change lanes quickly while we are going fast. I'm afraid that the car will flip over" VS "You drive like crap. Slow down! Stay in the lane! You are going to kill us." VS "I feel like you drive terrible. You always speed and it's gonna get us killed."  

If you are saying "I feel like you.......", it is NOT sharing a feeling and stating why you feel that way.

Third: We say what we need. "I need for you to slow down and please signal your lane changes."

This gives the other person in the conversation opportunity to show empathy, ask questions to understand, and open a dialogue. "I'm sorry that it's been scaring you. Thank you for telling me. Tell me more about what scares you when we are driving." "Does this bring up something else for you?" 

When we are able to communicate how we feel about a situation/action/behavior and state what we need, we are able to engage with another person in conversation instead of that person feeling they need to defend themselves or shut down because they are feeling attacked/judged.

So, picture this - a conversation about something important. One person states how they feel about a certain thing and is able to state a need. The other person becomes curious and asks for more information to understand more deeply the situation and where the other person is coming from. The first person is comfortable in sharing more and feels that the other person is interested in understanding what they have to say. The other person has a new and deeper understanding of the person and the situation. And this conversation, no matter how difficult, ends with both people feeling understood and without an escalated emotional response.

Are you hearing or are you LISTENING?

Original Article : Listening and Hearing