Posted On Jan 29, 2022.

I am mesmerized by stacked rocks. Like each of us, there are no two exactly alike. They are created with rocks of irregular size and imperfections. Through a process of understanding and reading the rock, the creator uses the imperfections and irregularities to their advantage in creating a gravity defying, complex, and beautiful structure. As we create ourselves in life, there are situations where we have a vision of what we want the final stack to look like and just can't seem to find the rock that works for the situation. Maybe we want the smooth stone to be in a particular place and are determined to make it fit, only to find that it simply doesn't lend to the continuation of the stacking. Or maybe we don't "read" the rock most effectively and creates instability which causes part of the stack to need rebuilding. It takes trial and error, searching for the "right" rock, or even considering that the smooth stone will fit, just in another way. In this way we continually create and recreate our selves. Our stage in life has an effect on this as well - our inexperience with the rocks, haste to "get it done", and even a more mature and wise view can change how the rocks are stacked in our lives. Different stages can also mean seeing the creation from a different aspect and acknowledging the beauty or the structural integrity from all sides. Sometimes a rock or situation creates instability causing a rock to fall or creates a precarious situation for another part of the stack. The foundation of the rock stack and the base rocks often remain solid unless we intentionally choose to address them - creating strength with slight movement or support.

Trauma changes everything. Trauma changes the rocks, the creator of the structure, and even disturbs the foundation on which the stack is built. It can scatter the rocks leaving the creator unable to find them to rebuild. Trauma changes the creators perspective, how they perceive the stack, and even whether the rebuilding will happen. Trauma is not the choice of the creator but something that happens to the creator and their creation. And even if the trauma doesn't initially wipe out the stack completely, the change in the creator as they attempt to maintain what might still be left causes distortions that often lead to creating instability and even changes in the base of the stack that can lead to it's destruction. TRAUMA CHANGES EVERYTHING!

With trauma comes shame, judgement, anxiety, panic, fear, hopelessness, depression, unhealthy coping mechanisms, and even self-destruction. Peter Levine, author of Waking the Tiger, says, "Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness." I both agree and disagree with this statement. Traumatic events happen - without our consent, without our desire, and without us being in control. The RESULT of trauma is the isolation, self-blame, guilt, fear, panic, and symptoms of PTSD that happen when we are convinced that we must hold the trauma all alone. When we SHOULD be able to "handle it" or there is a social expectation to "be strong" or to "suck it up and move on". Brené Brown, one of my very favorite people EVER, says, "Of all the things that trauma takes away from us, the worst is our willingness or even our ability to be vulnerable." Both of these things together, the absence of an empathetic witness to our experience of trauma paired with our unwillingness or inability to be vulnerable, create a perfect storm - that wipes out what has been built and leaves in it's wake the question of "why bother?".  

Trauma and it's effects can rob us of our relationships, distorts our perception of safety and serenity, changes our brain and the way we think, and can even turn us to substances to numb the pain and cope with the thoughts, beliefs, and experiences trauma leaves in it's wake. As it takes away our ability and/or desire to become vulnerable, the empathetic witnesses who can help us to hold space disappear in our minds. We can't talk about it, can't show weakness, have to "keep it together", are supposed to ignore the intrusive thoughts, never let anyone know about the flashbacks or dissociative episodes, must maintain emotional stability, pretend that the nightmares and sleep disturbances don't happen, and somehow not believe the self-talk that plays continually in our brains. We live in shame, fear, and self blaming. With everything happening and trying to keep up appearances in the internal chaos, how do we rebuild and "be normal" again?   

That empathetic witness becomes key. Someone who has walked the journey of trauma, who sees pain and struggle, who climbs into the hole with us and says "I've been here. I know how to get out." Brené Brown says that the two most important words in an empathetic response are, "me too." They are the ones who say "I'm here" and then listen - with their ears, they heart, their soul, and their whole being. They practice perspective taking - seeing it from the perspective of the teller. They bring hope. They don't bring the resolution, but hope of a resolution. They don't bring light to the darkness, they point out there are stars. They sit in silence, hear anger, hold our hand, dry our tears, don't let us get away with "oh, I'm good" as an answer to "how are you today?", and are the empathetic witness to what has happened to us. And then, with hope, healing is possible. It's scary. It's hard. It doesn't take us "back to normal" because we can't un-know or un-experience something that we now know or hold in our experiences. But they are beside us as we create "normal" from this point forward in our lives.

With hope, healing is possible. With healing, we can let go of what was before and become our own creator again. Carefully choosing the next rock, examining it, and then courageously stacking it, balancing it on top of healing. We see things differently, prepare for things differently, and appreciate things differently. We experience compassion and empathy. Then while we are building ourselves again, we seek opportunity to become a compassionate witness for others. We become hopeful, imperfect, beautiful, and yet unfinished. Our post-trauma creation has a deep meaning. We are different and see differently. Our creation is different and we are different. We become and create something that without the trauma and the struggle and the hope and the healing, we never could have imagined. We write our own story, create our own path, stack our own rocks. Trauma changes us - but, we don't have to let it control us!

Original Article : On Trauma and Stacked Rocks (hope and healing)